These are the moments we build from

I'm notorious for taking a very long time to negotiate. Sometimes as long as years between first bringing up the idea of tying together to the first time we actually will. My only exception to this rule is if I'm tying someone I have been friends with for a long time and have played with in other capacities. Tying with someone new to my ropes is always scary. It takes a while to settle into and find a rhythm. It takes time to learn how they hurt and to build the trust needed to let myself take joy in that pain.

Honey and I had done a few fun little riggers chess games where they were self tying and I was topping, but only recently started tying in a more traditional way. This was something we discussed several times with varying degrees of formality to our negotiations, including one time I kept texting them things like, "you understand I want to hurt you?" or "even though I'm a meanie?" as I was falling asleep and my messages were getting harder and harder to parse into functional language. Among repeatedly asking if it was okay to hurt them, I know that I also asked honey if he was okay with me "enjoying it." This always feels strange to talk about, but I have struggled with feeling like I'm not allowed, for one reason or another, to enjoy the process of tying and that is often a huge roadblock in fostering newer rope relationships.

This isn't a story about my negotiation processes though and I can get into that another time. This is the story about a specific moment in a specific tie. It's about this moment (pictured below) to be exact.

In this spot, this moment, I stepped back to snap the photo you see above and then I shifted to untying the weirdness honey's legs had ended up in. As I was disentangling a futo that was actually tied off his waist, he told me "This back bend has me kinda panicky." I paused, and simply asked, "Do you want me to give you time to process or to change the position?" Another pause, another breath. I could feel him thinking before he replied, "apparently time to process."

Now honey and I had discussed before we ever tied that he already had hesitation around their back bends and so I knew when I put them in this shape that it was going to be harder for them. Every body is different and while I might make a very informed guess at what a given position will feel like, physically or emotionally—for a given person—it is still just a guess.. Pushing up against this barrier, both physically and emotionally was always going to happen eventually with tying. I hadn't intended for this moment to be the worst of that tie, but it was and that was so incredibly exciting.

The other reason I keep coming back to this moment is not just the finding of an unintended emotion, but the vulnerability and trust that builds from honey speaking up about it. I want to hurt him, and by him telling me when something was causing panic we can start to create the kind of relationship necessary for that. This moment, and certainly more like them that will come in time, are the building blocks of trust needed for me to relax and allow myself to really enjoy and take.